It is a widely known fact that if you tell a child not to put beans up their nose, almost without fail, they will come running back to you in pain because now they have a bean stuck inside their nose. It is something to lament about when discussing the frustrating trials of childrearing or to be laughed about when reflecting on how ridiculous we all once were when we were young. Despite how readily we accept it, we rarely take the mental effort to ride down their train of thought a little deeper and really ponder on why we do it.
I personally have never put beans or anything up my nose as far as I could recall and I was scared of quite a number of unfamiliar things. My mother often retell us the story of me wailing in fear when a distant cousin tried to give me sweets. However, my father did call me ‘Miss Opposite’ when he discovered that anything forbidden was an object of interest to me, and the way my father trained me not climb up ladders was to tell me to climb one.
I have a pretty clear memory of myself around the age of three or four and being solemnly told by my father not to go anywhere near the flame of a candle. The very moment I found myself out of my parent’s sight, I reached out for the nearest thing I could find and shoved it into the bright, dancing light. Within (what felt like) seconds, the side of the comb that touched the flame began turning black and the tip began to sag. That horrified me enough to immediately throw it out of a window and decided never to touch fire again.
Nevertheless, what interests me most about the memory now is that I remembered pretty well the line of thoughts that motivated me into doing what I did; and one thing they had in common was the thirst to know something that I clearly do not. Why was I told not to play with flames? What will happen if I do? Why are candles always put on high places? What does it feel like to touch a fire? And my curiousity was peaked when it was blended with the thrill and indignation of the forbidden.
However, at the same time, I was too young to be truly aware of why I do the things I do and if my parents were to find out (they somehow didn’t) and ask me why did I play with fire when I was told not to, I may honestly answer ‘I don’t know’. My mother’s reminder ‘think before you do something’ had been ringing in my ears ever since I could remember but I was a lot older before I truly understood what it even meant, and that was years before I understood the wisdom behind it and somewhat tried to act on it. I just acted on automatic and it just happened to be fuelled by wonder and a self-righteous belief that I could do anything.
Of course, it isn’t the same for all children. While an unquenchable thirst for information and experience is common in a lot of children, some children are quicker to break rules because they simply wanted a reaction from the people who told them not to. Other quieter kids may surprise you when they suddenly ignore an unbreakable law; simply because they feel like they understand the wisdom behind all forbidden acts except for this particular one, and see it unnecessary to obey. On the other hand, some children are just oblivious to clearly laid down rules, as they are to a lot of on-goings of the world around them, since they view things from a different perspective.
But what is true for the majority of them is that they were mostly unaware of the inner workings of their mind. Introspection is a skill that takes age and wisdom to cultivate and at the age when kids are at their wildest, they were focusing more on observing and experiencing than they are at understanding why they do the things they do.
And to be fair, as wise as we all claim to be, we are still in the mercy of our ‘automated’ self to various degrees. Those of us with a better ability to introspect, either by nature or by practicing mindfulness, may have stronger awareness of the purpose behind their actions but for the most of us, we rely on habits when running our regular everyday lives. We don’t think about why we decide to chew every morsel of meal we feed ourselves or the why we hold pens in the way we do. That’s why watching your step is as good an advice to a toddler as it is to an adult.
Even at times when we are fuelled by emotions, most of us are rarely aware by the state and cause of our emotions and we simply act without consciously making the decision to bend to our sentiments. We are often more aware of our conscious drive and purpose and use that as an excuse to validate what we do; as sitting down and reflecting upon it may cause that uncomfortable awareness of our cognitive dissonance.
When I myself feel frustrated about the little nuisance that goes on around me, more often than not, I recognise the fact that I feel frustrated but I would also say that I have things under control. For instance, it feels wrong to be angry at your friend who had to miss your monthly meet-up, which you had been looking forward to all week, due to an impromptu meeting.
However, when night comes and I have time to reflect, I realised that all of the misfortune I had throughout the day are simply daily occurrences that somehow takes more attention. It is just that today, I could not blame my friend for the cancellation as it wasn’t her fault. And without being aware of it, I had pinned my anger to everything else that I could just so I could release the pressure that I had bottled up inside.
Like the kid who didn’t know why she thrusted the comb into the flame, I wasn’t aware of the actual cause to why I was angry at the stranger who accidentally bumped into me as we were boarding the train. I simply was.
And unless we want to be like the kids who put beans up their noses, we have to try a little harder to really ask ourselves why we make the decisions we do and what do we really want to make out of our lives. If we don’t have control over our own ‘mature’ impulses, it’s going to be quite an ordeal to teach our own children the lesson that would last them a lifetime.